For my Maansi. Rest in Peace.

I looked past the green grass filled with dew drops as I grinned at what lay before me. I didn't know which way to look - right, left...they were everywhere - small, cute, and cuddly golden retriever puppies. I squatted down on the grass and put out my arms. None of them seemed to respond to this gesture but one . Across the lawn she came running to me, stumbling over a toy on the way which made me smile instantaneously. Spritely looking about, she dived into my lap and twisted herself so that her belly was facing up. She had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen - huge, brown and very expressive (full of excitement and awe). As I touched her, I could feel the warm fluffy golden coat that shimmered in the sun. Her ears flapped on either side as she played with the stuffed animal in my hand. The first day I saw her and every second we spent together after that, no one could love as much as her. I could have sworn that she was smiling back at me the whole time. "She is the one" I thought to myself as I kissed her soft cheek for the very first time.

What was I going to call this little angel that was going to come into my life in the next week? The name listing began and suggestions. My mother suggested Athena or Sandy and me being the youngest dork suggested the most peculiar name - Muffin. But we wanted something that would show how much love and affection she had to offer. We finally decided on "Maansi" which means CLOSE TO THE HEART in Sanskrit. I agreed without any argument. This would be the perfect name for my sweetheart. My heart was already racing and the night before, I did not sleep at all because what lay ahead the next day was going to be my most cherished memory in my life. I got super early and woke up both my parents as we headed down to VA to pick maansi up and bring her home. She was bigger already and she wagged her tail. I was surprised that she recognized all of us. We brought her home in a laundry basket and I kept my hand in, petting her the whole drive back. She licked my face as we started playing in the car. Finally we were home and Maansi was allowed to explore the house. Sindhu and I were fighting for one of the rooms for the longest time and Maansi left her mark (you know what i mean) in that room before she was potty trained :P. The room became Sindhu's (I still think it was a conspiracy between the two of them).

The first few months with Maansi turned out to be the best in my life. She would accompany me everywhere - follow me and even at times chewed up my shoes and my favorite stuffed animals. But that didn't matter. It was Maansi - my maansi. Every day, she would wait for me to come home from school. Till this day, I don't know how but she would know that at I came home at 3:30 from the bus. She would get on top of her couch and eagerly wait for my arrival. We spent every moment together - we taught her to sit, down, play hide and seek, beg standing on her hind legs, go place, and kiss. I would come into the house and play with her for countless hours. Whenever the doorbell would ring, she would be the first to greet the newcomer either with a sock or something lying around the house in her mouth; wagging her tail with that lovable smile. When I'd watch a movie, I'd curl around her. I would bring her to my room upstairs and even though my parents hated it and I would let her jump on my bed. She loved treats and would do anything for food. Whenever she heard thunder or balloons or vaccum cleaners, she would take refuge either behind the couch or in the bathtub. She hated baths but those moments were the best spent with her - although that job was given to my dad.

Even with other animals and people Maansi was the best. She transformed dog haters to animal lovers and loved everyone. She was never mischievous....even if you deliberately placed your hand in her mouth, she would try to take it out using her paw in a fear of hurting you. She didn't know how to hate or even bite! She just loved. I still recall one incident when I left my pizza before her and told her "NO Maansi." She didn't move an inch and was waiting for my return which was after 5 hours. I would spend endless hours on her couch doing homework with her curled up next to me or her face on my lap. Maansi has probably come across every subject I have studied - Biology, Chemistry, and even some math. =]

These are just a FEW of the experiences we shared and I don't think I'll be able to type anymore without crying my heart out. Maansi Alexandria Chandramouleeswaran taught us how to love, live and before she died of cancer, she taught everyone how to leave the universe. She waited for my father's return from a trip and didn't let us see her pain. She was indeed an angel.

When they brought her in the stretcher, my heart sank. I gazed at her hoping she would wake up from the table - and I would wake up from this madness. NOTHING could happen to my Maansi. They had her blankey around her and her paws were on either side of the stretcher and her head resting against it, her eyes closed like she was sleeping. I still remember how much a CRIED. I called out to her and begged her to come back. I kissed her but instead of the usual warm furry face I was used to, she was ice cold. I put my face on hers and cried my heart out, tears trailing all the way down. I never got a chance to see those eyes - she left before I could say goodbye. She was my best friend. How could she leave me alone in this world? Who would greet me every day when I came back? Who would occasionally pause on long walks for breathers with me? Who would fetch tennis balls for me? Who would cuddle next to me when i did my homework? Who would get their hair all over my black pants? Who would spend every second of every minute with me - loving me?

Maansi - a loving friend and companion that would make anyone smile.

My friends. Without them, these times would be the worst. Calls came from all over the world - every person Maansi ever knew. She left her mark on people, always remembered as the sweetest. Burying her was painful and I got through it because of my friends and spending countless hours on phone calls and text messages. I don't know how I will ever repay them for their support. Each of you have had a special moment with maansi and she will remain in all of our thoughts and will be missed greatly.

Life can be painfully ironic at times. There is so much love when you look for it but time and death take everything away before a blink of the eye. What do you do when you realize how much you love someone when they are no more? RIP maansi. Always thinking about you Maansi and I spend at least 20 minutes a day by your grave. Please come back to me in some shape or form. You will always be MY AMULU, my SWEETY, my CHICKOO, MY LIFE. You were my first friend and I will NEVER forget you.

Romance- a dose too much?

Why is it so difficult to express feelings properly? You know you like him, he knows he likes you....why isn't the rest as simple as that? These complications, they make life so much more convoluted than usual. Is it absolutely necessary?

The quest for true love is never ending and at this point looks seemingly impossible. We are waiting for our knight in shinning armor to arrive and sweep us off our feet with these unrealistic expectations. Love isn't as beautiful as it is portrayed in movies. Sometimes there is pain, expectation, jealousy, guilt, and heartache. Love - that pleasant heartache when you see him walk by or when you talk to him. Or when your heart skips a beat when you think about him. You want to spend your future with him. Every time he breaks your heart, you want to hate him but the next moment he talks to you, your heart melts and all the anger goes away. WHAT IS THE CURE TO THIS LOVE DISEASE? It may just be the hormones of adolescence but it is not.

When do you know when you are truly in love or if it is just infatuation? Will we ever know the answer to this question?

Moving on to new things...

I was in the process of cleaning my room today when I found my old, worn-out Jansport backpack underneath the bed. In it, I found my red 50 sheet spiral notebook and bundles of paper from various classes. I dumped everything out on the floor and started going through it - earrings, chapstick, gum wrappers, old pencils, half used earsers, binders....and even my black necklace which I thought I had misplaced. I picked up the red 50 sheet spiral notebook and started going through the pages. Math notes with scratch work and numbers all the way to the margin, apush president's notes..a few more pages and I found my daily to do list. I placed the notebook down and reached in further to check if I forgot to take anything out of the bag. I felt something on the bottom..sheets of crinkled paper. I straightened out the edges and giggled to myself when I discovered it was the sparknotes guide for one of the books I was supposed to "read" in ap english. I then analzyed the other items on the ground..the fake pass I made to sneak off campus one day...my ap english vocabulary list..ap comparative government vocabulary quiz. I picked up the sheets and starting making piles. That was when it struck me...I was growing up. I looked at the pictures of me that were on the dresser and found myself recollecting the memories of my days in school - laughter by the locker bay, sneaking out of class during 'bathroom' breaks, eating lunch in the commons, the long hallways and the 6 hour days which I thought would never end. I kind of miss it all now. I don't know if I am ready to move on to a new stage in my life..a new path in life really.
College was around the corner and I'll admit, I'm very anxious about what is in store for me. It's certainly a new adventure..but I dont feel quite ready for it yet. My birthday is coming up too...in 2 more days, I will turn 18 and get my license. Yes, some autonomy..but I will always miss those carefree, innocent days of childhood - playing, recess..even nap time.
I am anxious, but I'm also excited for the future. I guess I can't stop time...sometimes you wish there was a rewind button in life. Instead of living in the past, it is more pragmatic to keep memories for the past, live the present, and have anticipation for the future.
It is time to move on to new things and be open to new experiences. READY OR NOT COLLEGE...here I come.

Cruel world

This is an excerpt from two moving stories I read. Such stories never cease to remind me of a world in which suffering will persist.

"Every animal, every face has a story behind them. We don’t know how Wiley and Winston became street animals. We don’t know the whole story, but what we do know is devastating. Leslie Rameros of South Central LA, an AAPA dedicated volunteer found 2 street dogs who were being terrorized by gangs. She, along with 2 of AAPA’s staff members, Elizabeth Kilmer and G. Byers took to the streets to save the 2 dogs. After 2 days of searching, the dogs were spotted. A white boxer mix and a little shepherd/chow mix. The gang members had put a firecracker under the boxer’s tail and lit it. The dog’s rectum and intestine was hanging out and the shepherd mix had gasoline poured on him and then set on fire.They were very afraid of people, but were too weak and exhausted to run or fight as we lifted them into our van. We took them home with us where they ate. They could eat home cooked food and had clean water to drink. We put them in beds with big fluffy blankets where they slept warm and cozy, probably for the first time.We called an emergency late-night veterinarian who said they would be OK until morning. In the morning, a vet came to check on the dogs. After checking both dogs, the vet suggested euthanasia. There was so much damage to both animals that it would take a considerable amount of money to treat them, and, even then, it would take a miracle for them to survive. We did not want them to go through anymore suffering. We gave them many hugs, kisses and love as we could in the short time we had them. We're glad they went to sleep in our arms, instead of being on the dark, cold, cruel streets. Animal Abuse Prevention Agency vows to continue our street work, working hard to rescue animals before these horrible, evil people get their hands on them. We will never forget Wiley and Winston. Please help us continue our work with your best, tax-deductible gift today! Remember that every animal saved reduces their suffering and gives them a new lease on life. By rescuing animals, AAPA has been able to place them in loving homes and increase the quality of their lives."

"This past June, a 16 week old black lab puppy was tortured and left for dead in a diaper box at a gas station. A man stopped to put air in his tire and saw the box and heard a whimper. He opened the box and to his horror found the puppy with PVC glue in his eyes, nose, ears and throat. His back legs had multiple fractures. The man took the puppy to the vet were he had to be euthanized due to his injuries . I can't fathom how someone could do this to a sweet, loving and innocent puppy. I cry when I think of what this puppy went through."

What sadistic tendencies have prevailed innately in the human mind? People believe that they are superior to other creatures because animals are unable to reason and speak. Can they not feel the pain and suffering that a human being can feel?

From meat to scientific experimentation, animals have been exposed to treacherous circumstances. Many have died without even knowing the feeling of love....through such testing, abuse and neglect.

Killing us softly

Women. The portrayal of women in society has changed over the years. However, in reality, starting with the early creation of Adam and Eve to the present day depiciton of women, has our role changed entirely? More importantly, has it changed for the better?

Our roles have changed drastically from the 1600s. Women were never really recognized because history itself was a story written by man. It's quite ironical, isn't it? It's history (his story) and never her story. Society has created an image to which women have adapted to and generation after generation, this image has been passed. This image was not one that portrayed a strong independent women, but a weak , dependent one. Men fail to admit that women have the potential. Women possess the same potential or perhaps even more perseverance and dedication than men? Is this the reason why men have never accredited women? Without women like Susan B. Anthony, Mother Teresa, Harriet Tubman, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Dorothea Dix, and FDR's wife Eleanor Roosevelt, will life be the same way it is today?

Until the 1920s, women had no say in the democratic government. Who is to blame for this view? Men? Society? Or women themselves? Many critics can argue that our roles have indeed changed. Co-ed schools, co-ed sports, and even in an economical perspective, women have indeed gained jobs..but is the change enough? Has society come to accept equality between the sexes?

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P.S. I know I haven't blogged in a while...I might be slightly rusty with my language and tone but my thoughts keep rolling........

~ Heart

Perfection

Perfection. A little too far fetched isn't it? Each and every human being in this world wants to be successful and achieve this perception of "perfect" but has only discovered contempt in the quest. The search for perfection never ends with its disillusioned images and creations.

By human instinct and innate behavior, perfection and purity is not possible. Our world is filled with sin and crime yet some refuse to acknowledge such behavior. Change is the only essence of life that is continuous...quite ironic actually. One cannot refuse the adversity of life and only if metamorphism takes place in an individual can he or she survive. In fact, our society's perspective itself is illusory. We paint pictures of pessimism and hatred through certain acts (such as murder and homocide) but it is the drive to obtain "sainthood" that is the true sin. Although murder and acts of violence indeed disturb the peace of a community and are inhumane, the restriction and boundaries of stability stunt growth. The capacity of mankind is immense and limitless. Barriers of stability only augment the capacity.

A perfect world will never exist as long as diversity and unity coincide with the universe. A perfect world will in fact not be perfect at all due to its lack of impurity. Impurity is perceived as obscene but purity is idealistic. The world is pragmatic and only when an individual can reason in such a practical stand point can he or she survive the perils and hardships of this world.

Love at first sight? Maybe.

LOVE. A word that has caused relationships to bloom, hearts to break, and broken hearts to heal once again. A word that creates meaning for life. A word that expresses the understanding between two individuals..is indeed a controversial issue; is it not?

Crush, attraction, love..how can we tell the difference between words with such passion? We love our family, friends...but that is more so a compassionate form of love than any other. Philosophy, literature and even science try to understand the intricate details and twists that the emotion of "love" creates...but there has never been an absolute answer. Love is often described as temporary madness...and in the eyes of many such as Bergmen, "a kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous".

The first time I saw him was in the locker bay. I told myself repeatedly to look in the opposite direction but I found myself unable to move my eyes...it was as if he had cast a magickal spell on me. He reminded me of a roman goddess with perfect features...it was unbelievable..his eyes were honey bronze and his smile was dazzling. With high cheek bones and a slightly muscular body, he seemed to be a god-like creature...making everyone around him look unworthy of being in his presence. Our eyes came into contact and I quickly looked away, my cheeks flushing red and my ears burning hot. It felt like my heart skipped a few beats. I had forgotten to breathe...everything felt hazy like a dream. As soon as I passed him, I sucked in a substantial amount of oxygen and checked to make sure I was still alive...I was but my heart seemed to be with someone else.

How would you describe such an incident? A crush? Mere attraction? Or love at first sight? How can one be deeply and truly in love with someone (to the extent of wanting to spend the rest of life with that person) upon first setting eyes on that person? The concept of "love at first sight" itself is very controversial and hypocritical at times. People often misinterpret love as just a physical attraction, but how can you describe that feeling..connection might be a better word..between two individuals that make them want to live for each other and die for each other?

I guess no one ever knows the mysteries and fantasies behind love...